Grace

The most meaningful relationships and ministry happens when you "do life" with people.  Openly sharing struggles, joy, disappointment, and pain enables others to be supportive friends and an encouragement to you.  Perhaps, more importantly, it shows others that you're life isn't perfect and magifies God's goodness, faithfulness, and grace in your life.  Isn't that what life as a follower of Christ is about ... allowing others to see God's work in your life?  This is one thing that I'm very passionate about, so I'd like to share my story.  My hope is that this would minister to those who are experiencing heartache or sorrow.  This might not be your story, but the hope of God's grace can be experienced in every situation.

The end of August was shaping up to be pretty life changing.  We had been looking at new homes for four months and had just found a very promising new listing.  We were scheduled to see this new home on Saturday morning.  Friday morning we got more news ... something that I had suspected for a couple of weeks - we were expecting our second baby!  James and I were thrilled.  After having some difficulty getting pregnant before Bennett, we were thankful that it happened much more quickly this time.  Saturday morning, we saw the new house, loved it, and put in an offer the same day.  By Sunday, we had a contract on our new house.  What a lot of exciting change for one weekend!  We were a little stunned, but so excited. 

The few days that followed were a flurry of inspections on our new home and preparations for an upcoming move.  That Tuesday evening both of our families attended a Drillers game, so we decided to tell everyone then.  I bought Bennett a darling little "I'm the big brother shirt" and we changed him into it half way through the game to suprise everyone.  It took everyone a minute, but they finally got it!  It was a fun and sweet evening. 

Wednesday afternoon, we went to sign some paper work to get things on the new house rolling.  I dropped James back off at work and went to the gas station by our new neighborhood to fill up and then sneak a quick peek at the new place. The moment I got out of the car, I knew something was wrong.  I realized I was bleeding.  I'm sure many of you have experienced a heart-stopping moment like that .... a sudden death in the family, a frightening diagnosis, a unexpected job loss, a tragic accident.  My heart dropped and I knew something was terribly wrong.  I knew that some bleeding was not uncommon, but I hadn't experienced any with Bennett and it seemed like too much to be normal.  I was able to get into my doctor for a blood test that same afternoon, but had to wait until two days later to get a second one and learn the results.  Those two days were very long.  I was scared, but I knew for certain two things: With God, anything is possible and His plan is perfect.  When I started to worry or get upset, I would remind myself of those two things.  On Friday afternoon, the nurse called and told me what I think I already knew in my heart - that we had lost the baby.  

God is so merciful.  Those two days of waiting for the results of the blood tests were difficult, but it helped me to process and prepare for the loss.  I cried and mourned for the sweet little baby that we wouldn't get to meet in April.  I asked "Why?"  I thought about what I might have done to cause a miscarriage. (Silly, I know, but sometimes those irrational thoughts creep in.)  But, overall, I felt God's overwhelming grace carry me in the following days and weeks.  James was a wonderful support; bringing me flowers, praying for me, and encouraging me. In the next few weeks, I would find out that several people, including a close friend and my sister-in-law were pregnant and due around the same time that I was.  Of course, I was happy and excited for them, but I also felt our loss more deeply.  I also felt guilty for feeling sad when I heard their news.  When I told James, he said the most freeing words ... "It's okay to feel that way.  They're having a baby and we lost a baby.  You're just grieving."

After my miscarriage, the Lord gave me a verse while I was grieving and questioning.  John 16:33 says "... In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  This is not the first, nor will it be the last difficult thing in my life, but I have hope because of Jesus Christ - His saving work on the cross, His victory over death!  One of the most wonderful truths I have been reminded of is that Jesus is sufficient.  I can find all of the strength, comfort, and hope I need in Him.  Our small group at church is studying a John Piper book right now.  It's pretty deep and kind of makes your brain hurt, but I'll do my best to put what I have learned into words.  The theme of the study is “faith in future grace” and last Wednesday’s discussion and video was on grace.  He described it in a way that I have never heard before.  He said grace is “power exerted by God in every moment,” “the moment by moment enabling to act.”  One of his points was that grace is future oriented, not just Christ’s work on the cross, but also is extended in times of great affliction now and in the future.  He pointed to Paul in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9 and 12:7-9.  He experienced great affliction, but also experienced God’s power to sustain him.   I went back and forth about when to post about our miscarriage.  At first, I thought I would just wait until we were pregnant again, so there could be a "praise report" about God's faithfulness.  The Holy Spirit convicted me and showed me that the evidence of God's faithfulness is not always getting your heart's desire, but His grace as you wait.   So we wait, empowerd by God's grace in each moment.